What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 24.06.2025 23:58
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was seconnd youngest,
I waited trembling.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
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With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
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My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And i lived it daily.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
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Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
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But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
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As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
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BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I said to her
I have no regrets .
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Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Put me off passion for life!!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Im still living with it.
She married twice! .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She was in good health!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
So whats the point in blame.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But, we were locked up after school.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I was very sick at this time too.
Comes on , in middle age.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
One cannot live in the past .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I will be 64.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But ive been too sick for many years..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
All the time i was locked up.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He knew the spot.
This is soul school!.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I write beautiful poetry .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
We were not on the streets..
I was scared of men, in general
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
(And it was in our own minds.)
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I never cut or harmed myself..
As i do to all so called friends.?
I don,t even have a pension.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Ive learnt so much.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
What did i know ?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He resisted the act ,that day.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
So, i spoilt her more .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My life is so biszare .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My family never makes their pension either.
She wouldn,t have been !
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I could never make a relationship work though!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Was to survive, this bastard.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Who then, do I blame.?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
It was going to be , some day.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I couldn’t, believe it.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
We all went to grammer schools
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But it wasn’t much.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I think the readers, may guess!
Would this be the day?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She loved him until the end.
When she asked me how she looked .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I was 9 years of age.
She found it foreign!.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .